The (Abrupt) End of Evangelion
by Author0fntent
Summary: Or, The Guy Who Tamed the Beast that shouted "I" at the Heart of the World. Basically, what if episodes 25 and 26 turned out differently when some outside entity gives everyone caught in the winds of Instrumentality a BIG slap in the face?


**Disclaimer: I own zilch of Gainax, or of the estates of whoever's 'likenesses' are present, or of the movies referred to in this piece, or of whatever other fics you may spot references to. Warning for a decent amount of OOC (for those sensitive to this sort of thing).**

Shinji was facing the odd questioning of his friends and family as he was run through the wringer of Instrumentality. Just when he was attempting to address the dilemma of who he is because of the EVA and how it affects his heart's desires, a loud, clearly pissed-off voice pulled the brakes on things:

"Oh my god, WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE F-ING MINUTE!"

The sound of a tape being suddenly paused is heard, as the faces of EVA's main and supporting cast are seen in stunned surprise by the appearance of the unseen newcomer, who's somehow halted Instrumentality-in-progress. That, and they were wondering how they've somehow managed to regain their individual selves. All turned and noticed the now white void space they were standing in. It was then that the newcomer made his presence known; standing before them, they saw that he looked like a living shadow, somehow made solid. The only other notable features were his white, Spider-Man-like eyes (the 'brow' currently furrowed into a look of frustration) and the long brown trench coat he was wearing. He stepped forward a few more feet before speaking again while gesticulating.

"Are you even listening to yourselves? JEEZUS, you all sound like a goth psychology major's wet dream right now! [He shook his head.] Unbelievable-out of all the universes out here in the multiverse, yours HAD to be the one saddled with enough depression and self-loathing to fill the iceberg that sank the _Titanic_. I mean seriously, HOW are you even speaking in coherent sentences right now? It's any wonder you've managed to carry on before you let a bunch of thanataphobic old geezers and a four-eyed deadbeat dad bring about TANG-y Armageddon. Speaking of whom..."

He then turned his focus on Gendo and walked over to him, jabbing his finger in the NERV head's chest in an irritated fashion.

"I mean REALLY, man? You ended the world JUST so you could see your wife again? 'Cause you couldn't just grieve and move on like, oh, I don't know, NORMAL people?! And the way you went about it-cloning her, abandoning your only son, using and manipulating one woman and then doing the same to her daughter, building a bunch of giant skinny cyborgs, all as part of your 'plans within plans' to reunite with your wife? GOD you're pretentious! You really HAD no life, you know that? You know what, maybe it would've been better if you'd died in that gangland crossfire your stupid date with Yui got you out of. Maybe then your son would've had at least ONE positive parental figure in his life that would've kept him from becoming an insanely insecure powder-keg one nervous breakdown away from turning into a misogynistic psychopath in a 10-story tall war machine. If anything, YOU should've been one of Second Impact's casualties, you idiotic excuse for a mastermind."

He then stepped back from Gendo by a couple of feet, and raised his right hand in a finger-snapping gesture.

"You wanna be with your precious Yui again, you sick bastard? Here you go."

With a snap of his fingers, Gendo vanished, and at the same time, everyone was out of the white void and back outside the Geofront-which looked like it never was attacked. In fact, everything looked as if it was back to normal around them. It was like Instrumentality hadn't even been brought about at all. Everyone then turned to look at the newcomer, who now displayed a more relaxed demeanor.

"Aaahhh, MUCH better. Good as new! And as a bonus, no longer under threat from any 'Angels'."

Asuka [seemingly her irritable self again]: Whaddya mean? What about THEM?

She'd pointed to Rei and, to the surprise of everyone, Kaworu. (Himself also surprised at his return.)

"Well, thing is, they're not really Angels anymore. I got rid of their S2 organs. Far as I'm concerned, they're now fully human."

Rei and Kaworu [eyes wide as saucers]: **WHAT?!** [Rei: Wait-did I just raise my voice? In surprise? This is...New for me...]

"Oh yeah, and Adam and Lilith are both kaput. Go ahead, check the Geofront's basement-nothing there but dust bunnies. You're welcome, by-the-by."

That's when everyone's eyes went REALLY wide. The very things that drew the Angels to Earth, to Tokyo-3...Gone, just like that, in an instant? It seemed too good to be true.

Fuyutsuki: What about the rest of the world-will people still...?

"Already taken care of-people won't remember a thing of their time in Instrumentality. Except you all, 'cause there's a bit of a learning experience to be had here. Other than that, every human's back in place-even the SEELE geezers. They'll remember their brief time, but they're gonna stew over being cheated at the last minute. Oh and, just to twist the knife further, I made it so that certain 'secret documents' they've been holding onto somehow conveniently landed in the laps of every major global media outlet. I give it a couple months' time before heads start rolling-most likely those of the Instrumentality Committee."

Shinji: Uh...Just where did you send my father?

The newcomer then took out a pocket watch and looked at it.

"Well, if my timing's right, he should be heading into a long-awaited, but UNFORTUNATELY brief reunion with your mom right about-now."

Gendo looked around as he walked along the cloudy, blue-skied path. _Could this really be what I think it is?_, he pondered. It certainly had all the hallmarks of Heaven-and he soon found his theory confirmed when he spotted the target of his desire just a few steps away: Yui, his beloved wife and reason for all the horrible things he did.

Gendo: Yui? Can it really be you? I've waited a long time for this, but now we're finallyOOF!

Gendo's surprised utterance left his breath as Yui pulled back the fist she'd sent right into his stomach.

Yui: And I'VE been waiting even longer to do that, _Rokubungi_. THAT was for Shinji. Here's also something I should've told you a long time ago: I'm leaving you. Oh and, let me reacquaint you with a couple of other people looking for some payback.

Gendo turned around to see a furious-looking Naoko Akagi and Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu staring daggers at him. Soon Naoko landed a swift right hook to his cheek, sending him to the 'ground'.

Naoko: THAT'S for trying to ruin my Ritsuko like you did me, you nihilistic worm.

Kyoko then picked up Gendo by his shirt collar.

Gendo: D-Do I know you?

Kyoko: We've met only once before, but the name's Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu. REMEMBER IT. I understand you let my little Asuka get mentally violated by an Angel, correct? Well here's what I owe you for that.

She then delivered a hard kick to Gendo's little friend that left him doubled over in pain.

Yui: Oh, don't be such a baby-the pain's gonna get SO much worse where you're going. Play nice...

With that, Yui, Naoko and Kyoko stomped on Gendo so hard he fell through the clouds at ludicrous speed, finally landing in a cell in a corner of Hell reserved for the genocidal maniacs of history.

Next-door voice: Hey, mac.

Gendo turned to see Grigori Rasputin in the cell next to him.

Rasputin: What're ya in for?

"Now that we're in a more nicer setting-well, nicer if you're into slight _Blade Runner_-kitsch-and far away from all that psycho-babble philosophicrap, I think I'll just get into a more comfortable shape to make this LONG-overdue heart-to-heart a bit easier on the eyes and ears."

At that statement, the newcomer changed shape before their eyes. Soon, standing in place of the newcomer was, to say the least, a very odd sight.

Aoba, Maya, Makoto, Kaji, Ritsuko, Misato: FERRIS BUELLER?

"Not really-just looked for a face who'd help you feel more relaxed. Won't be the only guise, so try to keep up. SO [he made a single clap as he clasped his hands together], let's get you all reintroduced to a little something called 'living'."

With that, the Bueller-clad newcomer went around, extolling the Bueller view of existentialism on the gathered group. When he got to Shinji, he uttered the most famous Bueller quote to remind him that he ought to take advantage of all the possibilities life offers.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. Think about it-in between piloting EVA and all that jazz, what if you'd taken the time to 'stop and smell the roses'? Get to know the people around you a little more? Do something crazy? Fun crazy, that is, not the other kind."

The newcomer continued this talk of his as he changed forms, each time being mostly some figure of fiction or history that represented a more relaxed, _laissez faire_ attitude about life. Many of his forms were surprising, and he'd stick to one when addressing certain people in the group. He spoke to Sub-commander Fuyutsuki as Groucho Marx; to Shigeru Aoba, as Jimi Hendrix; to Makoto Hyuga, he appeared as Stan Lee.

When he spoke specifically to the now-human Rei and Kaworu, he took the form of David Bowie as Ziggy Stardust, referring to the pair as the 'children who fell to Earth'. He spoke to them about taking this chance at newfound humanity to embrace whatever creative side they possessed, like Kaworu with his musical talent.

"Music can give you years of extraordinary experiences. One can't say that life's pains or more tragic episodes have been diminished because of it. But it's allowed some people so many moments of companionship when they've been lonely and a sublime means of communication when they wanted to touch people. It's been both a doorway of perception and the house that they live in. One can only hope that it embraces you with the same lusty life force that it graciously offered many others."

At that, he waved his finger a bit, and a similar pattern of Ziggy Stardust face paint appeared on Kaworu's face. Rei actually smiled a bit and even giggled at this.

The newcomer then shifted shapes again, this time into another musical icon.

Aoba: Whoa-John Lennon?

Misato [slightly facepalming]: Oy. [All turned to look at her.]...My very religious grandma never forgave the guy after his 'bigger than Jesus' gaffe.

The newcomer then told them about letting go of their pasts to move on, as a means to be a bit healthier in mind, body and soul. He focused specifically on Misato and Kaji.

"None of you should have any romanticism, or even nihilism, about any part of your past. You ought to think of it inasmuch as it gave you pleasure or helped you grow psychologically-half of the time, at least. That should be the only thing that interests you about your yesterdays. Don't believe in yesterdays, by the way. You know I don't believe in yesterday. You should only be interested in what you're doing now, and in the future. Misato, you don't have to be a sexy Captain Ahab anymore; Angel War is over, if you want it. You don't need to think of your father in whichever man comes into your life. Believe me luv, Kaji here's as far from the man your father was, and that's a good thing. I think the two of you owe each other a little something eight years in the making. Give it a thought..."

His montage of pearls of wisdom continued as he then donned the guise of Chevy Chase's Ty Webb from _Caddyshack_. Followed by another character from the film, Rodney Dangerfield's Al Czervik. Then came Fonzie, Gilligan, Allen Ginsberg, even Louis Armstrong. Andy Kaufman, Johnny Carson, George Clooney's Danny Ocean, even Jughead. Spicoli from _Fast Times at Ridgemont High_ was a real treat. When he stopped and addressed Shinji again-this time, alongside Asuka-he took the form of one of the most Zen characters in cinema. (And quite possibly a relative of Spicoli.)

Aoba, Makoto, Kaji, Misato: The Dude?

"Or His Dudeness, or Duder, El Duderino if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing. Shin-man, Asuka, gotta be honest here-you two really overvalue other people's opinions of you. So much that you adopt 'em when you attempt to see yourselves, and break easily when they get shattered. Fun fact, that's just, like, their opinions, man. Opinions don't really matter-well, except when they're meant to steer you from something catastrophic-but point is, worrying about how other people see you or how you see you is pointless. You can't be worried about that $#*+, life goes on, man, whether you're the best pilot or not."

He then took the form of John Candy's Del Griffith from _Planes, Trains and Automobiles_, where he then spoke a variation of the character's "I like me" speech. One that served to remind those gathered that there are other things about themselves people do like-they just needed to let them know.

The newcomer then morphed into another iconic cinematic sage, one whose rare pearls of wisdom belied his Jersey slacker stoner look.

Aoba, Makoto, Maya, Misato, Kaji: SILENT BOB?

"Though not-so-silent, this time."

This form he used to help ease their anxieties when it came to interpersonal relationships, some stalled (like Misato and Kaji's), some yet to be-in the case of, to everyone's surprise, one Dr. Ritsuko Akagi.

"Thankfully now, you don't need to deal with the kind of crap that came with being Gendo the Terrible's mistress anymore. You know, there's a million fine-looking women in the world, doc. But they don't all bring you your favorite stir-fry at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

Ritsuko: Wait, what? What are you implying? I'm not-

"Don't be hard on yourself. You're biggest admirer's been there for you always, right under your nose. She just hasn't been brave enough to show it. Isn't that right, Lt. Ibuki?"

All eyes turned to a now-nervous Maya at that statement.

Ritsuko: Maya...?

Maya: A-Akagi-sempai...R-Ritsuko...I, uh...What I've always wanted to say is...Oh, screw it!

Maya then pulled Ritsuko into a long and passionate kiss, eliciting a few surprised gasps as most of the group's eyes went wide. When Maya broke the kiss, Ritsuko was left flushed...and with a small smile on her face that mirrored Maya's own.

Misato [a smug grin on her face]: HA! I knew it! Pay up, boys!

She held out her open right hand as if expecting something. A grumbling Aoba and Makoto took out their wallets, fished out a few bills, and piled them into her palm.

Misato: You too, Asuka.

Asuka: Oh, come on, seriously?! _Schisse_...

Asuka then took out a small coin purse and fished out her own bills and added them to the pile.

Misato: But seriously, I'm so happy for you both. Took you long enough.

Maya and Ritsuko, still smiling, blushed when they heard her.

"Which now brings me to the other long-simmering pair here." He then turned his attention to Shinji and Asuka.

Shinji:...Why are you all looking at us like that?

Asuka: No. No no no no NO, we are NOT-

"Keep dreaming, kid. Truth is, you two are more alike than you can imagine. You bring out the best in one another, you just don't realize it. If it weren't for the neuroses holding you back, you'd have figured it out sooner. Think about it-you both lost your mothers to weird $#*%, crave the approval of other people, you even have similar musical tastes. You kids are practically made for each other. Under all that bluster and pride, and all that self-pity and self-deprecation, you two really care about one another. Why else would Asuka have applauded your cello playing? Why else would Shinji have saved your life at Mount Asuma? My advice-talk it out. Reach an understanding. You'll feel better in the long run. Take it from a guy who's seen your story play out in other worlds-most of the time, it gets ugly. Be different for once."

Shinji and Asuka, their mouths agape, then turned to one another.

Shinji [a hand nervously rubbing the back of his head]: Would...Would you...?

Asuka [a small smile forming on her face]: Actually...Yes. I'd like that.

She then held out her hand. Shinji, finally letting a smile come, took it. The sight seemed to warm the faces of the people around them.

"Well, now that this piece of business is out of the way, time for the closer."

The newcomer then shifted forms again, this time turning into someone everyone recognized; after all, who didn't know-

All: FRANK SINATRA?

Rei [looking our way, a small smile on her face]: Eh, why not? "Fly Me to the Moon's" always been our best recurring gag.

"Nice Fourth Wall break, kid. Now folks, especially those of youse that just came from emotionally-vulnerable states, I'm just gonna wrap up with something ol' Blue Eyes would've said. With Socrates, ya had 'to be is to do'. Plato had it backwards, 'to do is to be'. Me? Well, it's plain simple: do, be, do, be, do. Long story short, life's mostly little victories that lead to bigger ones; you'll have a lot of setbacks, get knocked down along the way, but every time you get back up, you're a bit better than before. Doing your best when knocked down and getting back up lets you be the best. It's all about reinvention. Keep it up, and in no time at all, people around you are gonna say 'you've changed', and it'll show, believe you me. And thanks to yours truly, you've all been given a shot at making it happen. But there'll be plenty of time for that. Right now, whaddya say you all kick back and celebrate nearly going through the apocalypse and living to tell the tale a bit?"

The newcomer snapped his fingers again, and everyone present was soon clad in more festive threads. The makings of a small party also appeared on the patch of Geofront field everyone stood on. There was a fully-stocked buffet table, a few smaller tables and chairs, and a bandstand complete with a swing orchestra-save for one empty slot.

"Aw, that's just great, Morrie must be on his coffee break right now."

He then turned back to the group of perplexed people.

"Say, any of you know where I can get a guitarist on short notice?"

All eyes then turned to Lt. Shigeru Aoba.

Aoba:...What're you all staring at me for?...Oh.

Soon enough, the little shindig was in full swing. Some of the group were chatting away, a few were dancing. Aoba was playing along with the band as the newcomer started singing a familiar tune.

_That's life (that's life), that's what all the people say_

_You're ridin' high in April, shot down in May_

_But I know I'm gonna change that tune_

_When I'm back on top, back on top in June_

Makoto was speaking with Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki as the two watched the band from the buffet table.

Makoto: So Sub-Commander, with all this behind us, what're you thinking of doing now?

Fuyutsuki: Well, I think I may have a few more years of teaching left in me. It's been my real passion-one I wish I hadn't had sidelined for all that time.

_I said that's life (that's life), and as funny as it may seem_

_Some people get their kicks stompin' on a dream_

_But I don't let it, let it get me down_

_'cause this fine old world, it keeps spinnin' around_

Misato and Kaji stood next to Rei and Kaworu at one of the smaller tables.

Kaji: You sure you want this?

Misato: Yeah. The weird morphing guy actually got me thinking. I...Really felt bad about how I ended it. I'd been thinking about trying again, while the war was dragging on. Getting your voice message really brought home how much I missed you. Honestly, this time I want to see how far we can really go.

Kaji: My thoughts exactly-I'll drink to that.

Unbeknownst to Misato, Kaji had been fiddling with a small ring in his pocket the entire time they were talking.

_I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king_

_I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing_

_Each time I find myself flat on my face_

_I pick myself up and get back in the race_

Rei: What do you intend to do now?

Kaworu: I don't know just yet-though the idea of being a musician appeals to me. [Briefly feeling the paint on his face. ] Perhaps even a 'pop star'.

Rei [sarcastically]: Don't get ahead of yourself, starman.

Kaworu: And you?

Rei:...I think I'd like to become a psychologist when I get older. It seems like a good way to help prevent another Gendo Ikari from coming into the world. Maybe even help people like me learn to live a bit more.

Kaworu: Angel-human hybrids?

Rei [smiling]: Social butterflies and wallflowers.

_That's life (that's life), I tell you I can't deny it_

_I thought of quitting, baby, but my heart just ain't gonna buy it_

While Kensuke filmed the proceedings as usual, Toji and Hikari were dancing to the music, as were Ritsuko and Maya, both in a warm embrace.

Maya: Are you sure you're okay with...us?

Ritsuko: I'd be lying to myself otherwise. It'll take some getting used to, but I'm a bit excited by the journey we're about to undertake.

Maya: Call it 'indulging your scientific curiosity'.

Ritsuko: Why Maya Ibuki, are you trying to seduce me?

Maya [playfully]: Depends on how sound your hypothesis is...

_And if I didn't think it was worth one single try_

_I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly_

_I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king_

Shinji and Asuka were sitting at a table a bit further from where everyone else was gathered, but still in view.

Asuka: How long...?

Shinji: Since the _Over the Rainbow_. If I hadn't been so shy, I would've asked you out right there and then.

_I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing_

Asuka: How would you know if I'd say yes or not?

Shinji: I didn't. But I'd feel it wouldn't hurt to try.

_Each time I find myself layin' flat on my face_

Asuka [smiling]: _Baka_.

She then reached over and gave Shinji one heck of a kiss, though this time it was clear he enjoyed it. The sight of it wasn't lost on a few people nearby.

Rei: Well, it's about time.

Misato: Amen to that, sister.

The two of them then clinked their glasses.

_I just pick myself up and get back in the race_

Shinji and Asuka then got up to dance. Soon Misato and Kaji followed.

_That's life (that's life), that's life and I can't deny it_

_Many times I thought of cuttin' out but my heart won't buy it_

_But if there's nothin' shakin' come this here July_

_I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die_

_My, my!_

Down below, Gendo was seated at a poker table, playing against Caligula, Josef Stalin, Atilla the Hun, John Wilkes Booth and Mao Zedong. He maintained his usual poker face, the same whenever he was addressing someone in the cavernous office many had dubbed his 'lair'. Finally, he laid his cards on the table, a smile of satisfaction having graced his features.

Gendo: Straight flush.

Grunts of frustration and disappointment erupted from his opponents, who all folded.

Gendo [moving the pot towards himself]: Sorry gentlemen, it's been fun.

Just when he was about to relish in his victory, all his winnings suddenly vanished in a puff of brimstone, much to his shock.

Mao: Forgot to mention, newbie-especially here, the house always wins.

High up above, the three mothers were sitting down for some margaritas.

Yui: So what do you say, Kyo? You think our kids might work out?

Kyoko: I'd be surprised if they still didn't-they've been nervously dancing around it long enough, it's bound to happen sooner rather than later.

Naoko: Might want to make that 'now', girls.

Naoko pointed downward, with Yui and Kyoko's gazes following. Both let satisfied smiles appear on their faces.

Kyoko: Well, here's to getting on the road to being in-laws.

Both clinked their glasses and took a sip.

Yui: What about you, Naoko? How's the prospect of possibly getting a daughter-in-law?

Naoko: Happy for my Rits all the way-I saw the signs way back when she was in high school, and didn't mind. I figured she'd tell me when she was comfortable enough. Good to know she still knows how to pick 'em. So what're you both up to later?

Yui: Well, I was thinking of popping over to 'Rock N' Roll Heaven' for a show.

Kyoko: Yeah, they're bound to have one hell of a band.

FIN

**Author's Note(s)**

I was inspired to write this after seeing episodes 25 and 26 for the first time this past Monday/Tuesday, having already known what happens in _End of Evangelion_. I can see why a lot of the show's fans felt unsatisfied with that particular ending. Yet at the same time, I can agree with those who thought, 'hey, at least it's a tad more optimistic than _End of Evangelion_'_. _Hence my simple premise-what if some outside force observing the proceedings interrupts Instrumentality to convince Shinji and co. NOT to give up on themselves and surrender to their fate(s)? An unusual form of counseling, sure, but it also makes for a nice commentary on the series. The OC at the heart of my piece is an aggregation of a number of things: the reality warping abilities of characters like Q, Mr. Mxyzptlk or Bat-Mite, the sense of humor of that same Q, Freakazoid, and Deadpool, DP's cynical outlook (at the start of the piece), his, Wayne Campbell's and Freakazoid's unique forms of meta-awareness, and the quick-rebuild coordination of Slartibartfast from _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ (at least what I remember from the movie).

Speaking of episode 26, I do have an idea brewing for a story involving the alternate reality Shinji perceives-though in this case, he rejects Instrumentality and alters time in the process, resulting in this new world, with only himself, Asuka, Rei and Misato remembering what the timeline used to be like. But that's a story for another day. For now, enjoy and critique if you must.


End file.
